B-Movie Review: TNT Jackson

TNT Jackson

Synopsis:

When her brother is killed by ruthless drug dealers, Diana "TNT" Jackson travels to Hong Kong to avenge his death.

Tim's Opinion:

Brawls, boobs, and big afros... what's not to like about this movie. TNT Jackson is a mid-70's cross between blaxploitation and chop-socky movies. The plot is typical of the b-movies of the time, the dialog is cheesy, and the fight scenes are badly choreographed. The editing of some of the fight scenes is pretty badly done as well, with some of the cuts being obvious. But aren't those some of the things that make b-movies so enjoyable? I certainly wouldn't say that this is a b-movie masterpiece, but it does have it's charm. One of the fight scenes features Playboy Playmate Jeanne Bell fighting topless against the drug gang's hired goons.

If you're in the mood for a good, low-budget, mid-70's action film, then you should definitely see this one.

Lisa's Opinion:


When one thinks of movies from the 1970s, they might think of Dirty Harry, Star Wars and the Godfather. However, there were other genres that also defined the 70's that stayed in the 70s. Among those were kung fu and blaxploitation.

TNT Jackson is a film that pretty much covers both. It showed Diana (aka TNT) avenging her brother's death while kicking some major butt (possibly a nod to the feminist movement at the time). However, the films fight scenes are pretty leave a lot to be desired, even though it did show some pretty cool moves. That and it seemed to me that the guy who killed TNT's brother somehow forgot to wear a shirt until the end of the film. One of the fight scenes was quite impressive though, TNT, while defending herself, somehow changed her underwear in the middle of it all; from  brownish colored underwear, to white for a brief second and back to the brown underwear.

B-Movie Review: Horrors Of Spider Island

Horrors Of Spider Island, a.k.a. Body In The Web

 Synopsis: 

 A group of dancers and their manager crash into the Pacific Ocean on their way to Singapore. They find their way to an island inhabited by giant spiders. When the manager, Gary, gets bitten by a spider, he begins to turn into a spider.

 Tim’s Opinion:

 There have been some cinematic masterpieces from Germany… Nosferatu, Metropolis, etc. Horrors Of Spider Island is certainly not one of them. The dialog is clearly dubbed in English, and pretty badly dubbed at that. The dialog is extremely cheesy, and the special effects are certainly low budget. I have to admit though, that this is a fun movie to watch, and to joke along with. This is certainly not a movie for arachniphobes… on the other hand, the spiders are very few, and don’t even look like spiders, so maybe arachniphobes will be fine.

Supposedly, when Gary is bitten by the spider, he starts turning into one. But the makeup, looks more like a werewolf than a spider. And they find a “revolver” in the cabin on the island. But later on, Joe inserts a magazine into this “revolver”, then later, when he is about to shoot it, he cocks the “revolver” by pulling back the slide. And I have a question… the plane that took off was a two engine plane, and the plane that crashed had 4 engines. Where did the plane get the extra two engines? I know that planes can be refueled in flight, but I didn’t know that they could have engines installed in mid-flight.

 Anyhow, this is not a great movie by any means, but if you’re the kind of person who likes to insert jokes into a movie (like me), you’ll have fun with this one.

Lisa’s Opinon:

 Oh, the horrors!! The horrors!!

 This movies is about a group pf dancers who get on a plane heading to Singapore for a performance. Along the way, the plane somehow changes in mid air and crashes into the ocean. The ladies and their manager, Gary, end up in the middle of the ocean and eventually find and island: which appears somewhat flat in the beginning, but ends up having cliffs. They paddle toward the island and end up on the island. Unfortunately, there is a resident "spider" that doesn't seem to be happy about sharing his island with anyone else. Upon seeing the new inhabitants, I think this spider flipped them the bird. He also displays several other talents before he gets killed such as: making steel or plastic like webs in the lone cabin (sleeping person included), choking the manager after getting some serious air time and of course biting before meeting his fate. He was killed by Gary with a revolver that looked more like a semi automatic pistol. Soon after, Gary, who was bitten by the spider, turns into a Wolfman like being that kills a couple of the girls while spying on the rest on them.

 In the meantime, the girls try their best to survive on the island while the music in the background resembled something more like an empty urban street in the middle of the night. Which I think is was meant to be be sexy. I guessed that's why they used it. Well, it did feature sultry alto saxophone solos throughout the entire film.

 I could say more, but I think you should see this for yourself.
>

B-Movie Review: Santa's Slay

Synopsis:

The evil Santa Claus turns out to actually be the spawn of Satan, and he's wreaking havoc on Hell Township. He's been forced to be nice for 1000 years, but that time is up. Now Santa is returning to his evil ways, and only one of the angels and his grandson can stop Santa.

Tim's Opinion:

Santa's Slay has got to be one of the most laughable Christmas "horror" movies ever. The acting is actually not too bad, it's the plot and some of the one liners that make this movie so good:

• "I'm Santa Claus, not f***ing Dracula"
• "Christmas sure can scare the Dickens out of people"

Bill Goldberg actually plays his role of the evil Santa pretty well. (A Jewish Santa?). I always enjoyed watching him as a wrestler, and I enjoy seeing him in this movie. Robert Culp plays a crazy old man, who turns out to be not so crazy after all, and when is Robert Culp not enjoyable to watch?

Of course, we already knew from the old Rankin Bass Christmas specials that Santa Claus was evil, but Santa's Slay takes that evil over the top. The movie is a great blend of horror and comedy. Although it is somewhat of a horror movie, there really isn't a lot of blood and gore, but there are plenty of scenes and lines to make you laugh. One thing I don't get though, is the reindeer pulling the sleigh... it looks a lot more like a white bison to me, but I suppose a bison looks more sinister and evil than a reindeer.

I've only seen Santa's Slay twice, but it's definitely one of my favorite Christmas b-movies. If you want a good Christmas laugh, you need to check this movie out.

Lisa's Opinion:

Do you like action, wrestlers, horror and something a little different rolled up into one for a Holiday movie? Santa's Slay has it. Just when you think you know the origins of Santa Claus, Santa's Slay tells of a completely different tale of this Christmas icon.

Starring wrestler Bill Goldberg, Santa is actually a demon who goes on a killing spree every Christmas until an angel makes a bet with him and Santa loses. As a result, Santa must become the kind, generous character that everyone knows and loves for 1000 years. The 1000 years have passed and Santa is back on his killing spree, complete with his Christmassy killing weapons and his sleigh that is pulled by a bison. A bison which the people in the small town call Hell, mistakenly take for a reindeer.

Who would have ever thought Santa can be so evil? Was Rankin Bass onto something when they showed the "less than stellar" sides of Santa?     

B-Movie Review: Deadly Weapons

Synopsis:
A trio of mobsters kills a man to find a blackmail list. When one of the mobsters keeps the list for himself, he is killed by the other two. His girlfriend, Crystal finds them to take her revenge.

Tim's Opinion:
Deadly Weapons is certainly early 70's exploitation at it's best... or worst depending on your opinion. Everything about this movie screams 70's, the hair, the clothes, the decor. Nothing in this movie leaves any doubt when it's made. The acting, as you would expect, is pretty bad. This is especially true with Chesty Morgan, whose expression is pretty much the same throughout the movie, no matter what her mood. It is also pretty obvious that her lines were dubbed.

The plot of the movie is nothing special, just a typical revenge movie. Really the only reason this movie is made is to show off Chesty Morgan's huge breasts. In most of her scenes she is nude, and in most of the rest, she's showing a considerable amount of cleavage. When she catches up with her boyfriends killers, she dispatches them by smothering them between her giant knockers. At least they died happy, especially Tony, played by Bill The Butcher from Gangs Of New York... never mind, my mistake. That was Harry Reems. Well, he certainly looks like Bill The Butcher.

I noticed in the credits, the name Saul Meth. I don't know if they were on meth when making this movie, but it certainly looked like Chesty Morgan may have been on Valium, or at least a strong sedative.

Obviously, this is not a movie to be taken seriously. Deadly Weapons is totally campy 1970's. In the final scene, Crystal pulls a semiautomatic pistol out of a drawer, yet the closeup of the gun being fired is a revolver. Continuity obviously wasn't high on their priority list. If you're offended by nudity, then you certainly want to steer clear of this one. If you're into camp, and into exploitation movies, then you will want to add this one to your collection. This was overall a bad movie, yet definitely worth seeing, at least to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing.

Lisa's Opinion:

From the fine people of Something Weird Video is a 1974 cheap mafia film called Deadly Weapons. As someone who is a big fan of the 1970s, I find this film quite......well...ummm.......interesting from the credits on. It stars Zsa Zsa, but it is not the Zsa Zsa that we know of and she has certain assets that those who wish to have ridiculously large breast implants can aspire to; only Zsa Zsa's are real. Another name that caught my eye was Seth Meth and Nick/talent agent. I am not sure sure of back then, but with this day and age, the name Meth itself might have some thinking about the movie itself.

Deadly Weapons combines all the tackiness of 70s fashion, all the chintziness of a certain place of the time as well as some strangeness. One such strangeness is the wide vocal variety of what seems like dubbing of the actors and the deadpan expressions of the actors themselves. There was even a scene where the main character, with the large assets, takes a job as a stripper in Vagas and the crowd goes wild. Only it shows a polite audience in a theater in what it looks like, a polite "golf clap". It is not hard to figure out what they were refering to when they named the film as she also uses these assets to smother her boyfriend's killers to death. Deadly Weapons is definitely one of those movies that one has to see to believe.

B-Movie Review: When Nature Calls

When Nature Calls (1985)

Synopsis:

A burned out construction worker takes his family to live in the wilderness.

Tim's Opinion:

I have found Troma movies to be hit or miss. This one... I'm not sure. It was certainly bizarre. It did have us laughing at some parts, and wondering WTF at others. One of the WTF moments was certainly Bambi falling in love with the bear. I mean Bambi the teenage daughter, not Bambi the cute little fawn from the Disney movie. And then the scene with the Indian wrestling with the cougar. I'm guessing the cougar was upset that the Huskies won the Apple Cup once again. In addition there are the weird, inexplicable interruptions by Morey Amsterdam and Fred Blassie.

Aside from the theme song, a lot of the music sounded like something from a Disney nature documentary. It's only the bad jokes that make it clear that it is a Troma movie, not Disney. Actually a lot of the gags made it look like a bad Zucker Brothers movie in the same vein as Naked Gun or Airplane.

This movie was good for a few laughs, but I've definitely seen better comedies. Although I have to admit it is one of the better Troma movies that I've seen, but I have seen better.

Lisa's Opinion:

When Nature Calls, aka The Outdoorsters, made in 1985 by the crew from Troma, is a spoof off of the old 1970s "get back to nature movies" such as Swiss Family Robinson or Grizzly Adams. Actually, they are not exactly like the Swiss Family Robinson or Grizzly Adama. The daughter, by the name of Bambi, has some strange tastes in dates. In fact, she literally dates animals as it is revieled in a relationship she has with a Grizzly Bear. Little Billy, a suscriber to Capitalist Pig magazine still continues his obsession with money as he tries to undertake many money making ventures in the middle of nowhere. Even the dog, Squirt, develops a taste for tranquilizers at the end. 

Meanwhile, several people are intervied to find out why this family decided to leave. We have a psychologist who reveals how disturbed Bambi and the rest of the family is while he challengess the interviewer to a wrestling match. We have Morey Amsterdam as just being himself, and even a brother of the Native American friend of the family, Weejun as well as the cougar's ex girfriend who instist that the cougar was not stalking Weejun. 

Just when you are glued to a climatic scene in the movie, it goes to intermission. Like the usual intermission clips, the food dances on a stage and may make you think, "Hmmmmm, good idea, let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat". However, as the clip progresses and various drugs present themselves and the food, especially the hot dogs, engage in certain unsavory activities, you may end up thinking "On Second though, let's NOT go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat. I take it that they are really unsavory". So, I take it as a lesson that it's best to bring your own.

Overall, this movie has me thinking, " Did they have a little too much city air or too much wilderness air when they wrote this?"

B-Movie Review: The Brain That Wouldn't Die

The Brain That Wouldn't Die 1962
Doctor Bill Cortner has been illegally experimenting with transplanting severed limbs, with little success. When he and his girlfriend Jan are in a car accident, he keeps her severed head alive in a pan, and then goes looking for a body to put her head on.

Tim's Opinion:

This is what B horror movies are about, bad acting, and little, no, or cheesy special effects. This movie has them all. The actors were either overacting, or underacting (especially in the case of Dr. Cortner). The car crash effects are almost as bad as those in "Orgy Of The Dead". There is a certain suspense as we're left wondering until the end of the movie, just what is in the closet. When it tore Kurt's arm out of it's socket, I thought it might be a Wookie. Wookies have been known to do that, you know. But it turns out his arm was just tucked into his shirt. But it turns out, that the creature in the closet was a bad imitation of Sloth from "The Goonies".
One thing that I was left wondering is how the hell did Jan's head manage to talk without a body or lungs? And is the movie called "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", or "The Head That Wouldn't Die", as stated on the ending title card.

Really, it is the ridiculous acting, and the cheesy horror movie story line that make "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" enjoyable, especially after a beer or two. This is one of those movies that is fun to watch with friends, and just joke all the way through it.

Lisa's Opinion:

The Brain That Wouldn't Die; A masterpiece of B movie horror that has made one of Mystery Science Theater 3000's choices of movies. Filmed in 1962, it stars Jason Ever's as Dr Cortner; a plastic surgeon that is very promising and has used human beings as guinea pigs for his experiments against the wishes of his father; who was also his supervisor. One day, Dr Cortner and his fiance, Jan, were involved in an automobile accident and Jan was decapitated. Confident in his abilities, Dr Cortner was determined to save his beloved by keeping her brain alive in his personal laboratory and replacing her body with that of the local hottie; by the name of Doris Powell, a figure model at a local college that has had her face disfigured. While Dr. Cortner was searching for that "ultimate body" for his fiance, Jan, now a literal talking head, gets aquatinted with a guy, who toward the beginning of the movie, sounds like he had a bad case of food poisoning. We never see this guy because he is locked away throughout the movie, all we know that he sound like something is wrong with him. One day, Jan, the talking head and is sick and tired of it, and the guy with the weird sounds on the other side of the doorway, who we discovered is actually a monster type being that somewhat resembles Sloth from The Goonies, finally escapes.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die is full of certain "special effects" that only B movies poses. .  For example,

The credits themselves read, "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" at the begriming of the film and " The Head That Wouldn't Die" at the end.

Right before Jan and Dr Cortner's accident, you may hear the squeal of the tires before you see him actually apply the breaks,

And others....

So, if you are planning an iconic b movie night, The Brain That Wouldn't Die would be a great choice in your lineup.

Great B-Movie Titles

The Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies: I think this has to be the longest movie title that I've ever seen. I have not seen this one yet, but how can a movie with such a great title be bad?

Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh: This is proof that a great title doesn't necessarily mean a good movie. This movie didn't suck blood, it just plain sucked.

Hey, Stop Stabbing Me: This is a good example of amateur indie filmmaking. "Hey, Stop Stabbing Me" has got to be one of the funniest movies I've ever seen.

Zontar, The Thing From Venus: Another one that I haven't seen yet, but just judging from the title, I need to see it sometime.

The President's Neck Is Missing: Okay, this one doesn't actually exist. This was a made up title of a Troy McClure movie from "The Simpsons".

The Thing That Ate The World: Another fictional movie title. This one was from an episode of "Emergency!", when a screenwriter was following Johnny and Roy around, looking for ideas for a new movie. All I have to say though, if they actually make this movie, I'll see it.

A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell: Another one that proves that a good title doesn't mean a good movie. The Troma movies that I’ve seen have been hit or miss. This one was certainly a miss.

Cannibal Women In The Avacado Jungle Of Death: This one was actually pretty good. Several clips from this movie were used in making another B-Movie, "Bimbo Movie Bash".

Prehistoric Bimbos In Armageddon City: This one is another amateur indie film. It was okay, but not great by any means. Normally, a movie with the word "Bimbos" in the title suggests gratuitous nudity... not in this one.

Purple Death From Outer Space: Another one that I haven't seen, but I certainly want to. This one is a Flash Gordon movie from 1940. If I'm not mistaken, it was compiled from the Flash Gordon serials.

This is certainly not an exhaustive list of great b-movie titles. There are many, many others, "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" would be one. These are just the ones that I could think of off the top of my head.