B-Movie Review: Santa's Slay

Synopsis:

The evil Santa Claus turns out to actually be the spawn of Satan, and he's wreaking havoc on Hell Township. He's been forced to be nice for 1000 years, but that time is up. Now Santa is returning to his evil ways, and only one of the angels and his grandson can stop Santa.

Tim's Opinion:

Santa's Slay has got to be one of the most laughable Christmas "horror" movies ever. The acting is actually not too bad, it's the plot and some of the one liners that make this movie so good:

• "I'm Santa Claus, not f***ing Dracula"
• "Christmas sure can scare the Dickens out of people"

Bill Goldberg actually plays his role of the evil Santa pretty well. (A Jewish Santa?). I always enjoyed watching him as a wrestler, and I enjoy seeing him in this movie. Robert Culp plays a crazy old man, who turns out to be not so crazy after all, and when is Robert Culp not enjoyable to watch?

Of course, we already knew from the old Rankin Bass Christmas specials that Santa Claus was evil, but Santa's Slay takes that evil over the top. The movie is a great blend of horror and comedy. Although it is somewhat of a horror movie, there really isn't a lot of blood and gore, but there are plenty of scenes and lines to make you laugh. One thing I don't get though, is the reindeer pulling the sleigh... it looks a lot more like a white bison to me, but I suppose a bison looks more sinister and evil than a reindeer.

I've only seen Santa's Slay twice, but it's definitely one of my favorite Christmas b-movies. If you want a good Christmas laugh, you need to check this movie out.

Lisa's Opinion:

Do you like action, wrestlers, horror and something a little different rolled up into one for a Holiday movie? Santa's Slay has it. Just when you think you know the origins of Santa Claus, Santa's Slay tells of a completely different tale of this Christmas icon.

Starring wrestler Bill Goldberg, Santa is actually a demon who goes on a killing spree every Christmas until an angel makes a bet with him and Santa loses. As a result, Santa must become the kind, generous character that everyone knows and loves for 1000 years. The 1000 years have passed and Santa is back on his killing spree, complete with his Christmassy killing weapons and his sleigh that is pulled by a bison. A bison which the people in the small town call Hell, mistakenly take for a reindeer.

Who would have ever thought Santa can be so evil? Was Rankin Bass onto something when they showed the "less than stellar" sides of Santa?     

B-Movie Review: Deadly Weapons

Synopsis:
A trio of mobsters kills a man to find a blackmail list. When one of the mobsters keeps the list for himself, he is killed by the other two. His girlfriend, Crystal finds them to take her revenge.

Tim's Opinion:
Deadly Weapons is certainly early 70's exploitation at it's best... or worst depending on your opinion. Everything about this movie screams 70's, the hair, the clothes, the decor. Nothing in this movie leaves any doubt when it's made. The acting, as you would expect, is pretty bad. This is especially true with Chesty Morgan, whose expression is pretty much the same throughout the movie, no matter what her mood. It is also pretty obvious that her lines were dubbed.

The plot of the movie is nothing special, just a typical revenge movie. Really the only reason this movie is made is to show off Chesty Morgan's huge breasts. In most of her scenes she is nude, and in most of the rest, she's showing a considerable amount of cleavage. When she catches up with her boyfriends killers, she dispatches them by smothering them between her giant knockers. At least they died happy, especially Tony, played by Bill The Butcher from Gangs Of New York... never mind, my mistake. That was Harry Reems. Well, he certainly looks like Bill The Butcher.

I noticed in the credits, the name Saul Meth. I don't know if they were on meth when making this movie, but it certainly looked like Chesty Morgan may have been on Valium, or at least a strong sedative.

Obviously, this is not a movie to be taken seriously. Deadly Weapons is totally campy 1970's. In the final scene, Crystal pulls a semiautomatic pistol out of a drawer, yet the closeup of the gun being fired is a revolver. Continuity obviously wasn't high on their priority list. If you're offended by nudity, then you certainly want to steer clear of this one. If you're into camp, and into exploitation movies, then you will want to add this one to your collection. This was overall a bad movie, yet definitely worth seeing, at least to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing.

Lisa's Opinion:

From the fine people of Something Weird Video is a 1974 cheap mafia film called Deadly Weapons. As someone who is a big fan of the 1970s, I find this film quite......well...ummm.......interesting from the credits on. It stars Zsa Zsa, but it is not the Zsa Zsa that we know of and she has certain assets that those who wish to have ridiculously large breast implants can aspire to; only Zsa Zsa's are real. Another name that caught my eye was Seth Meth and Nick/talent agent. I am not sure sure of back then, but with this day and age, the name Meth itself might have some thinking about the movie itself.

Deadly Weapons combines all the tackiness of 70s fashion, all the chintziness of a certain place of the time as well as some strangeness. One such strangeness is the wide vocal variety of what seems like dubbing of the actors and the deadpan expressions of the actors themselves. There was even a scene where the main character, with the large assets, takes a job as a stripper in Vagas and the crowd goes wild. Only it shows a polite audience in a theater in what it looks like, a polite "golf clap". It is not hard to figure out what they were refering to when they named the film as she also uses these assets to smother her boyfriend's killers to death. Deadly Weapons is definitely one of those movies that one has to see to believe.

B-Movie Review: When Nature Calls

When Nature Calls (1985)

Synopsis:

A burned out construction worker takes his family to live in the wilderness.

Tim's Opinion:

I have found Troma movies to be hit or miss. This one... I'm not sure. It was certainly bizarre. It did have us laughing at some parts, and wondering WTF at others. One of the WTF moments was certainly Bambi falling in love with the bear. I mean Bambi the teenage daughter, not Bambi the cute little fawn from the Disney movie. And then the scene with the Indian wrestling with the cougar. I'm guessing the cougar was upset that the Huskies won the Apple Cup once again. In addition there are the weird, inexplicable interruptions by Morey Amsterdam and Fred Blassie.

Aside from the theme song, a lot of the music sounded like something from a Disney nature documentary. It's only the bad jokes that make it clear that it is a Troma movie, not Disney. Actually a lot of the gags made it look like a bad Zucker Brothers movie in the same vein as Naked Gun or Airplane.

This movie was good for a few laughs, but I've definitely seen better comedies. Although I have to admit it is one of the better Troma movies that I've seen, but I have seen better.

Lisa's Opinion:

When Nature Calls, aka The Outdoorsters, made in 1985 by the crew from Troma, is a spoof off of the old 1970s "get back to nature movies" such as Swiss Family Robinson or Grizzly Adams. Actually, they are not exactly like the Swiss Family Robinson or Grizzly Adama. The daughter, by the name of Bambi, has some strange tastes in dates. In fact, she literally dates animals as it is revieled in a relationship she has with a Grizzly Bear. Little Billy, a suscriber to Capitalist Pig magazine still continues his obsession with money as he tries to undertake many money making ventures in the middle of nowhere. Even the dog, Squirt, develops a taste for tranquilizers at the end. 

Meanwhile, several people are intervied to find out why this family decided to leave. We have a psychologist who reveals how disturbed Bambi and the rest of the family is while he challengess the interviewer to a wrestling match. We have Morey Amsterdam as just being himself, and even a brother of the Native American friend of the family, Weejun as well as the cougar's ex girfriend who instist that the cougar was not stalking Weejun. 

Just when you are glued to a climatic scene in the movie, it goes to intermission. Like the usual intermission clips, the food dances on a stage and may make you think, "Hmmmmm, good idea, let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat". However, as the clip progresses and various drugs present themselves and the food, especially the hot dogs, engage in certain unsavory activities, you may end up thinking "On Second though, let's NOT go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat. I take it that they are really unsavory". So, I take it as a lesson that it's best to bring your own.

Overall, this movie has me thinking, " Did they have a little too much city air or too much wilderness air when they wrote this?"

B-Movie Review: The Brain That Wouldn't Die

The Brain That Wouldn't Die 1962
Doctor Bill Cortner has been illegally experimenting with transplanting severed limbs, with little success. When he and his girlfriend Jan are in a car accident, he keeps her severed head alive in a pan, and then goes looking for a body to put her head on.

Tim's Opinion:

This is what B horror movies are about, bad acting, and little, no, or cheesy special effects. This movie has them all. The actors were either overacting, or underacting (especially in the case of Dr. Cortner). The car crash effects are almost as bad as those in "Orgy Of The Dead". There is a certain suspense as we're left wondering until the end of the movie, just what is in the closet. When it tore Kurt's arm out of it's socket, I thought it might be a Wookie. Wookies have been known to do that, you know. But it turns out his arm was just tucked into his shirt. But it turns out, that the creature in the closet was a bad imitation of Sloth from "The Goonies".
One thing that I was left wondering is how the hell did Jan's head manage to talk without a body or lungs? And is the movie called "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", or "The Head That Wouldn't Die", as stated on the ending title card.

Really, it is the ridiculous acting, and the cheesy horror movie story line that make "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" enjoyable, especially after a beer or two. This is one of those movies that is fun to watch with friends, and just joke all the way through it.

Lisa's Opinion:

The Brain That Wouldn't Die; A masterpiece of B movie horror that has made one of Mystery Science Theater 3000's choices of movies. Filmed in 1962, it stars Jason Ever's as Dr Cortner; a plastic surgeon that is very promising and has used human beings as guinea pigs for his experiments against the wishes of his father; who was also his supervisor. One day, Dr Cortner and his fiance, Jan, were involved in an automobile accident and Jan was decapitated. Confident in his abilities, Dr Cortner was determined to save his beloved by keeping her brain alive in his personal laboratory and replacing her body with that of the local hottie; by the name of Doris Powell, a figure model at a local college that has had her face disfigured. While Dr. Cortner was searching for that "ultimate body" for his fiance, Jan, now a literal talking head, gets aquatinted with a guy, who toward the beginning of the movie, sounds like he had a bad case of food poisoning. We never see this guy because he is locked away throughout the movie, all we know that he sound like something is wrong with him. One day, Jan, the talking head and is sick and tired of it, and the guy with the weird sounds on the other side of the doorway, who we discovered is actually a monster type being that somewhat resembles Sloth from The Goonies, finally escapes.

The Brain That Wouldn't Die is full of certain "special effects" that only B movies poses. .  For example,

The credits themselves read, "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" at the begriming of the film and " The Head That Wouldn't Die" at the end.

Right before Jan and Dr Cortner's accident, you may hear the squeal of the tires before you see him actually apply the breaks,

And others....

So, if you are planning an iconic b movie night, The Brain That Wouldn't Die would be a great choice in your lineup.

Great B-Movie Titles

The Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies: I think this has to be the longest movie title that I've ever seen. I have not seen this one yet, but how can a movie with such a great title be bad?

Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh: This is proof that a great title doesn't necessarily mean a good movie. This movie didn't suck blood, it just plain sucked.

Hey, Stop Stabbing Me: This is a good example of amateur indie filmmaking. "Hey, Stop Stabbing Me" has got to be one of the funniest movies I've ever seen.

Zontar, The Thing From Venus: Another one that I haven't seen yet, but just judging from the title, I need to see it sometime.

The President's Neck Is Missing: Okay, this one doesn't actually exist. This was a made up title of a Troy McClure movie from "The Simpsons".

The Thing That Ate The World: Another fictional movie title. This one was from an episode of "Emergency!", when a screenwriter was following Johnny and Roy around, looking for ideas for a new movie. All I have to say though, if they actually make this movie, I'll see it.

A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell: Another one that proves that a good title doesn't mean a good movie. The Troma movies that I’ve seen have been hit or miss. This one was certainly a miss.

Cannibal Women In The Avacado Jungle Of Death: This one was actually pretty good. Several clips from this movie were used in making another B-Movie, "Bimbo Movie Bash".

Prehistoric Bimbos In Armageddon City: This one is another amateur indie film. It was okay, but not great by any means. Normally, a movie with the word "Bimbos" in the title suggests gratuitous nudity... not in this one.

Purple Death From Outer Space: Another one that I haven't seen, but I certainly want to. This one is a Flash Gordon movie from 1940. If I'm not mistaken, it was compiled from the Flash Gordon serials.

This is certainly not an exhaustive list of great b-movie titles. There are many, many others, "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" would be one. These are just the ones that I could think of off the top of my head.

Movie Review: Crucible Of Horror

Crucible Of Horror, 1971

Synopsis:

A mother and daughter plot to kill the overbearing family patriarch. But is he really dead?

Tim's Opinion.

For the most part, Crucible Of Horror really isn't a horror movie. It is more of a suspense movie. I think that it got off to a pretty slow start, but the horror movie music throughout the introduction hint at things to come. I wouldn't say that this was a boring movie, but it also wasn't very interesting. As I said, it got off to a slow start, but I was still intrigued enough to watch the entire movie. The acting is certainly adequate, it was just a bit strange seeing Michael Gough (Batman, Top Secret), playing such a domineering and sadistic character. I'm used to seeing him playing much more gentle characters.

There were some things throughout Crucible Of Horror that made absolutely no sense, or at least were never explained. Why the closeups of the cat? Did the cat have something to do with the murder? What was that smoking stuff that the daughter poured into the atomizer? And what was with the guy watching the daughter and calling her later in the movie? At the beginning of the movie, it seems that all of these things would have something to do with the plot, but they don't.

If you're a fan of British suspense, then you will probably want to see this one. The movie is intriguing enough to make it worth watching, especially the twist at the end. If you're expecting a lot of action, then you may want to skip Crucible Of Horror.

Lisa's Opinion

Huh???????? Alfred!! Say It Ain' So!!!!

Crucible of Horror, a movie made in 1971, stars a somewhat young Michael Gough (Alfred from Batman) playing the sadistic patriarch of a wealthily family. Actually, it should be called, Crucible Of Suspense or even Crucible of Various Strange Scenes That Make so Sense. The beginning of the film shows a typical day in a typical middle to upper class  neighborhood complete with the girl named Jane, her brother Rupert, her mother Edith, her father, Walter, the neighborhood boy who is interested in the young pretty Jane and even the family cat all set to scary and sinister music. However, does this film really a typical family? It is later discovered that the young 16 year old Jane, is Walter's punching bag, Edith is a long suffering artist who gets the idea to kill Walter and had dreams of a floating being with very bad hair.The son, Rupert, is clueless the whole time and the cat, who only makes a few appearances, is just the cat.

One evening after Jane was beaten after supposedly stealing some money from a man that was coming on to her, Edith plans to kill Walter and decides to do so when he goes on a trip to the countryside alone. With a gun in hand and a small bottle of poison, Edith and Jane decided to head out to the countryside to kill him. When they reach the cottage and go inside, they hide the gun and greet Walter before going into a room where he has been listening to a recording of a string quartet that somehow gets cranked up very loud while no one was near the radio nor there was any crescendo indicated in  the quartets music whatsoever. Edith eventually slips the poison in his drink, but neither Jane or Edith use the gun. Which makes you wonder why they took the gun when they didn't even use it on the sadistic Walter. Maybe they were thinking that he would just keel over at the sight of it. However, it looked like the poison did the trick anyway so there was no need for the gun. So, dragging the corpse up the stairs and putting him into bed, Jane and Edith made the perfect cover up; but was he really dead?

What Is A B-Movie?

Originally, during the Golden Age of Hollywood, a b-movie was the bottom half of a double feature. It was usually less publicized than the main feature, and often a lower budget.

These days, with double features mostly gone the way of the dinosaur, a b-movie is generally a low budget film that is not an arthouse film or pornographic, although some b-movies can border on softcore porn.

In some cases, b-movies are made by well known directors, such as Roger Corman or Ed Wood, but they are also made by independent directors and filmmakers.

B-movie doesn't necessarily indicate a bad movie. Often the acting certainly isn't comparable to a mainstream blockbuster, and the plot may leave something to be desired, but sometimes the writing and the enthusiasm make up for that.

I have seen many b-movies that are quite enjoyable to watch, while on the other hand, some of them are just plain bad.

My wife and friends and I always enjoy sitting down on a Friday night to watch a couple of b-movies, and laugh and joke our way through the films. We always look forward to sitting down and watching something like, "Hey, Stop Stabbing Me!", or an old b-horror movie like "The Screaming Skull".

Believe me, a couple of beers and a couple of b-movies is a great way to spend an evening.